as time went on, i grew up, moved to boston, made friends who weren't calling me medusa and dog-food, and i cared much less about proving something with modeling, and started more to think about the independence it would bring me. i thought, not realizing what actually goes into a career in modeling, "i could move out of my mom's house and to n.y.c. and be able to afford rent by working just 2 days a month!". then i moved out of my mom's house and waited tables and supported myself and my boyfriend and had some independence before going to college.
in college i started thinking in a way i hadnt before. i didnt want to hang out with people at all anymore and i spent most of my time doing my drawing homework and playing bass in my room. i really didnt care at all if anyone thought i was pretty, i also didnt care if anyone liked me, and most people didnt, since i wouldnt be social with anyone. i started reading more and more and thinking about social and political issues, and became interested in religion and perhaps finding one that i liked. after two years of college, i was thoroughly confused about everything, and it was finally time to go back to my birthplace and work it all out.
when i arrived in paris and started modeling, i felt like i was in some kind of time warp. i was doing something i had wanted to do for so long, but which didnt relate at all anymore to who i was becoming. i thought it was an amoral profession, and the money wasnt making me feel special in any way. i hated how, when i would stop to watch the skateboarders in chatelet, they would look at me like i was some kind of weird older lady. i felt like i had given up being young. i got so depressed, and i didnt think i was going to be able to be a model anymore.
when i was 16, i had bright red hair. i dyed it brown so that i could start modeling in boston. i always thought that whenever i stopped modeling, i would dye it back bright red, cuz that's how i felt beautiful. i thought i would do it without telling anyone, just show up for fashion shows with it, and of course, that would be the end of my career. so, i got there. i didnt care what happened with modeling anymore. i thought it was a miserable profession, trying to make everyone feel like they ought to look the same as me, dress the same as these pictures of me--when i didnt even look like that, or dress like that, or even think it was a good idea to do so. so, i dyed my hair red. only, instead of it ending my career, it kind of started it. all of a sudden i had so much energy for modeling, cuz i felt like no matter what kind of dumb clothing and makeup they put me in, my hair would betray it all. the straighter the style of how they wanted me to look, the more my hair would be making fun of it. i discovered a purpose in modeling, and a way to express myself through it. it became my art. at that point, i began to put 100% of my energy into it. i hardly slept. i would work all day till 9pm then come home and make some clothes to further define my individuality. i would make collages in my portfolio, and paint pictures on the cover of it. i wore overalls and skateboarded to my castings and didnt try to look like a lady anymore. the more i was myself, and expressed myself, the better i felt and that was my success. my intention was to live true and convey the message that there were less rules than everyone thought there were. i was definitely discovering that there were less rules than i had thought there were.
i started to make enough money that i was compelled to think about what to do with it. i knew it wouldnt make me happy to hang on to the money. i wanted to build something for everyone with it. i had been thinking a lot about what the problem was with the way our culture worked, and i felt that it didnt make sense the way we systematically beat the joy out of people as they are growing up, through schooling and work etc. i thought that there ought to be big people playgrounds, places where big people could come in and play till they were exhausted and maybe take a nap, and then get some finger paints and paint some thing without having to think about whether or not it was good, or if it was "art". places where adults could freely express themselves and apply themselves. i thought that adults should probably spend more time in places like that than in small offices. so, i decided to build that. i wanted to live in it, and have it be open for some other people to live in, and for lots of other people to come to and enjoy. i wanted to have film screenings, and art on the walls, and music recording equipment and video editing equipment, and sewing machines, and everything anyone might need to play and make.
i spent a couple years looking for a space to make that place in, and at the same time i moved here from paris, because i had decided, after considering london and paris and l.a., that i wanted to make the place in new york. i had turned 24, and was thinking about when i was 20, and started modeling, i met a girl who was 25, and still modeling. she was trying to hang on to it and i thought it seemed sad. seemed like she ought to move on. i was glad that i was starting to make something that would help me move on. i also knew that i was interested in doing some kind of expressive performance, so i started singing in a band, and acting in some movies. i wanted to see which of those arts appealed to me more. by the time i was 26, i had finally found the perfect place to make the adult playhouse in, and i was playing gigs with bam bam, and i was hardly modeling anymore. at 27, i am what i want to be. i look forward to growing and building and making out of what is here. there is nothing in modeling that i still want. i dont want lots of money, and i was able to save some money in a retirement fund. the rest of what i made i have put into building "the doghouse". i dont need any more money between now and then, aside from what i need to survive, and that i can make doing things i enjoy, like baby-sitting children, or knitting sweaters, or selling music, or touring, or bartending, or building things, or having people record their music in our recording studio. people ask me why i dont continue to model "sometimes", just to make a buck. i tried that, and it doesnt work for me. i cant do things with my time that i dont believe in, and still feel good. above every thing else, i am trying to maintain integrity in my life. ultimately, i find that to be the most challenging and satisfying way to live. i love the life i live playing and loving and laughing and making. it takes a lot of energy to keep living, but that feels right.. i didnt stop modeling because i was unlucky. i am exactly where i would like to be. i never hope to be rich again. i dont miss it, it was a headache and felt unreal.