And now, a brief explanation of the Ivy League...

 

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring?

Are you terribly progressive and do you have a shitload of empathy? Are you

sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

 

COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you

planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year?

COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

 

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you

never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do

you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

 

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what the fuck an eating club is?

Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Have you always dreamed of living in

the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

 

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years

of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the

concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

 

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping

off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers?

COME TO CORNELL!!!

 

YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!

 

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you like the wilderness? Looking to get away from

stuff like cities and people who are assholes? Do you like to drink? Do

you like to drink some more? Do you like minus thirty degree weather (without

the windchill)? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling

on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

 

 

EXTRA-SPECIAL BONUS SCHOOLS:

 

M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate

doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math

math math math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

JOHNS HOPKINS: Hey kids! Are you premed? Do you like to drink? Do you

like lacrosse? What about cutthroats? Can you play table tennis? Do you

hate being taught in YOUR native language, English? Are you from New

Jersey? COME TO HOPKINS!!!

 

LEHIGH: Hey kids! Do you like fraternities? Do you want your social life

dictated by Greeks? Do you like smog? Do you like views of old steel mills?

Do you enjoy stairclimbing? Did you ever want to have an Engineer as your

mascot? Girls, do you enjoy being treated like a meatmarket? COME TO LEHIGH!!!

 

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY: Hey kids! Are you from Long Island or Jersey? Do you

have green hair? Do you enjoy smoking pot? Are you Asian? Did you not

make it into Wharton? How do like pot? Want a school with 40,000 kids and

no parking spaces? Oh yeah. did i mention pot? Come to NYU!!!! Please?

 

RUTGERS UNIVERSITY: Hey kids! Do you have a love of mass transit? Do

you like hangouts with the word "grease" in the title? Do you wish

you were Ivy? COME TO RUTGERS!!!

 

TRENTON STATE: Hey kids! Do you like New Jersey? Do you like to be bored

out of your mind 24/7? How about being crammed into a building with a

thousand screaming freshmen because the power went out again? Do you like

quiche? COME TO TRENTON STATE!!!

 

BOSTON UNIVERSITY: Hey kids! Do you hate being a person. Do you want to

be nothing more than a social security number? Do you want to be

educated in politically correctness? Did you not get into B.C? Do you enjoy

rats? COME TO BU!!!