- Rules To Be A Man
- (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)
-
- 1. Don't call, ever.
-
- 2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to
let her
- figure it out by herself.
-
- 3. Lie.
-
- 4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such
- as "spike".
-
- 5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell
them you
- mailed it to them.
-
- 6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will
you go out
- with me?"
-
- 7. Drink Vernors.
-
- 8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
-
- 9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
nice grunt
- will do.
-
- 10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what,
it isn't your
- fault.
-
- 11. Lie.
-
- 12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than
baths.
-
- 13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help-
don't ask.
- People will think you have no penis.
-
- 14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
-
- 15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have.
Whenever you
- pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
-
- 16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough
reason
- why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations
like, "I don't
- know. I just don't like her personality."
-
- 17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone,
use only
- monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are
permissible.
-
- 18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
-
- 19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his
name in urine.
-
- 20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her
best friend. She
- will then see what she's missing and love you for not
giving up on her.
-
- 21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
-
- 22. Say things like "Wha...?"
-
- 23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your
girlfriend picked it
- out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
-
- 24. Lie.
-
- 25. Deny everthing. Everything.
-
- 26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
-
- 27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about
her. Because
- if any of your female friends like you, they'll really
want to know.
-
- 28. Don't have a clue.
-
- 29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
-
- 30. No means yes.
-
- 31. Yes means no.
-
- 32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will
shrivel. Enforce
- this rule at all times.
-
- 33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
and locations.
- Improvise.
-
- 34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak,
sex often
- signifies the end of a relationship.
-
- 35. Feelings? What feelings?
-
- 36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry.
If you don't
- have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
-
- 37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than
you at anything,
- either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
-
- 38. Lie I tell you!!
-
- 39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are
backed into a
- corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must
come up with
- an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
- Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
dinner?"
- Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce
each day."
-
- 40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have
sexual meaning.
- Do so.
-
- 41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like
various
- genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure
you make an
- exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's
right.
-
- 42. Lie.
-
- 43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about
saying it.
-
- 44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy
you
- completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
-
- 45. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her
back. Diss her
- again. Repeat cycle.
-
- 46. Lie.
-
- 47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
-
- 48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
-
- 49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget
trivial things. You
- know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.
-
- 50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they
can't see you.
-
- 51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your
actions.
-
- 52. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex,
semen, etc.
-
- 53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY
feel sorry
- for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue
complaining.
-
- 54. Lie.
-
- 55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with
people you
- don't know.
-
- 56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place
with people
- you don't know.
-
- 57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are
doing, DON'T STOP!
- This is the desired reaction.
-
- 58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without
virginity.
-
- 59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
-
- 60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play
with yourself.
- Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
-
- 61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they
get to please
- you.
-
- 62. Don't ever notice anything.
-
- 63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone
else, don't say
- anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with
falls in love with
- YOU, and then tell her.
-
- 64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
-
- 65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
-
- 66. Lie.
-
- 67. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then
technically you've
- done nothing wrong.
-
- 68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do
you have
- to cry about, anyway?
-
- 69. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't
know."
-
- 70. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
-
- 71. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
-
- 72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have
been proven wrong,
- blame others. Come up with creative and believable
excuses why they
- are at fault- not you.
-
- 73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear
this phrase
- and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
-
- 74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around
until a
- parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes
hours, so
- be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others
will worship
- your skills.
-
- 75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have
thought about sex.
- Compare with others.
-
- 76. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh
long and loud.
-
- 77. Lie.
-
- 78. General Rule: Different is BAD.
-
- 79. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about
how hard it is
- for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor
you've done for them
- at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
-
- 80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the
long run.
-
- 81. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't
want to
- talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still
doesn't talk to you,
- casually ask, "is something wrong?"
-
- 82. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want
to speak to you
- again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at
me, so I'll
- pretend I want to be your friend.
-
- 83. Lie.
-
- 84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the
conversation, tell
- the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
-
- 85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say,
"God, I was
- such a pimp back then."
-
- 86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to
leave and when you
- come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed.
Leave,and go
- into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his
daughter. Then
- drive like hell. (true story.)
-
- 87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with
someone
- else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know,
SHE's the one who
- wanted to end the relationship.
-
- 88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty
girls on top.
-
- 89. Practice your blank stare.
-
- 90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them
up your ass.
- Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your
ass.
-
- 91. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random
emotions like
- rage and lust and insanity and display them at random,
inconvenient times.
-
-
- You won't be asked to do it again.
-
- 92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to
do, first
- try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't
work, go ahead and
- do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't
know how to do it
- and continuously ask questions on how to do each little
part. If no one