Radio Interview of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin
Interviewer: Neil and Buzz, thanks for joining us today to chat about this intriguing news story about ice on the moon. Buzz, did you ever have any suspicions that there might be water on the moon?
(Scuffling sound as if both Armstrong and Aldrin were trying to grab hold of the microphone.)
Aldrin: Well, the first time I suspected there might be water on the moon was when the windshield of the lunar module started icing up on our descent to the moon. I yelled over to Armstrong to turn up the windshield defroster fan a few seconds after I first noticed ice crystals forming on our windshield.
Armstrong: Gee, I can't recall the ice on the windshield, Buzz, but I do remember seeing a lake-shaped blue object on the horizon as the lunar module descended.
Aldrin: I can't recall seeing that, Neil, but I do recall that when I first stepped on the moon my foot slid along something I thought might be black ice. Fell right on my butt.
Armstrong: Sure, I remember you falling on your butt, Buzz, but that's because you forgot to tie your shoelaces before the moonwalk. How many times did I tell you, "Tie your shoelaces. Tie your shoelaces. Four billion people will be watching this moonwalk. Tie your shoelaces."?
Aldrin: Sure, I fell on my butt once on the moon, but you fell over more than a dozen times.
(At this point the interview seems to degenerate as the astronauts sound as if they're wrestling for control of the microphone.)
Armstrong: Yes, but I suspected ice on the moon after I had to use de-icing spray on the door handle of the lunar module.
Aldrin: I suspected water on the moon after the third thunderstorm.
Armstrong: But I first suspected water on the moon when I saw the recreational vehicle water hookup near the campsite where we landed on the moon.
Aldrin: I first suspected ice on the moon when I spotted Wayne Gretzky hanging around the launchpad.
Armstrong: True enough, but I first suspected ice on the moon when I noticed a fleet of Zamboni's parked not far from the lunar module landing site.
Armstrong: I suspected water on the moon when I picked up an object that looked like a seashell, held it to my ear, and heard a distinct gurgling sound.
Aldrin: I suspected water on the moon right after I stepped in a huge puddle.
Armstrong: I suspected water on the moon the moment I saw a small waterfall.
Aldrin: I suspected water on the moon after our drink cooler accidentally tipped over.
Armstrong: I suspected water on the moon when my astronaut suit visor kept fogging up on the inside.
Aldrin: I suspected water on the moon when I saw what appeared to be a discarded Brita filter.
Armstrong: I suspected ice on the moon when I spotted a popsicle stick.
(At this point both astronauts are giggling and elbowing each other in the ribs.)
Armstrong: Yes, but I first suspected ice on the moon when I stubbed my toe on a glacier.
Aldrin: I suspected ice on the moon shortly after I put on my skates.
Armstrong: I suspected water on the moon when I came across a rock that looked very much like a water slide from a theme park.
Armstrong: Oh sure. I first suspected water on the moon after I finished doing my first laundry load.
Aldrin: Neil, I first suspected ice on the moon when our lunar rover slid off the road.
Armstrong: I first suspected water on the moon when I saw a rock that looked very similar to a fire hydrant.
Aldrin: I first suspected ice on the moon when Houston replaced their entire Mission Control staff with figure skating announcers.
Armstrong: Speaking of ice skating, Buzz, I hear that you've signed a five year contract to tour with the Ice Capades?
Aldrin: Well, if you're going to bring up the subject of contracts, I might mention the rumor that you've signed a ten year contract to dress up as Goofy for the new hastily planned "Ice on the Moon" attraction at Disneyworld.
Armstrong: Did not!
Aldrin: Did too!
Armstrong: Not! Not!
Aldrin: Too! Too!
By Phil Shapiro
(Note: The above radio interview is entirely fictional.)
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