Religions and Philosophies of the World

Existentialism -- Shit happens.
Stoicism -- Shit happens, so buck up sissy pants!
Epicureanism -- Shit happens, so what? It doesn't matter.
Platonism -- Shit is but the corrupted shadow of Idea.
NeoPlatonism -- Idea is real, shit is not.
Theosophy -- God is real, shit is not.
Atheism -- Shit is real, God is not.
Agnosticism -- I have no idea why shit happens.
Jesus -- Shit happens because we are selfish.
Buddha -- Shit happens because we desire it.
Ayn Randism -- Shit happens because of dependent weakling leeches who have no
right to live.
Capitalism -- If I make more profit, then there's less chance shit will happen to me.
Communism -- Do what the Party tells you, and shit won't happen to you.
Socialism -- We can get through this shit if we all pull together.
Survivalism -- If I can survive this shit, then I win!
Judaism -- Why does shit always happen to us?
Christianity -- God loves you and your neighbor, even when you're both full of shit.
Buddhism -- Leave that shit behind and follow the Noble Eightfold Path.
Hinduism -- Shit always happens again and again because of Karma.
Ancient religion -- Shit happens because the gods are angry.
Confucianism -- If we all do our duty to those above and below us, to our families, to our ancestors and to Heaven, shit won't happen.
Deconstructionism -- What exactly is the strategy behind words like "shit" and "happens?"
Postmodernism -- Shit doesn't just happen to privileged white males.
Fox News -- Why does shit always happen to privileged white males?
Scientism -- Shit is just another stage in evolution.
Marxism -- Shit is a necessary stage in the inevitable realization of the proletarian state.
Nationalism -- Shit happens when you're not true to your tribe.
Racism -- Shit is the fault of lesser breeds of humans.
Antisemitism -- Shit is a Jewish conspiracy.
Tea-baggers -- Shit is Obama's fault.
Homophobia -- Shit is the gays' fault.
Misogyny -- Shit is women's fault.
Irish Catholicism -- Shit is all my fault.
Roman Catholicism -- You can get through this shit if you pray, pay, and obey the True Teachings of Holy Mother Church.
Episcopalianism -- We're all full of shit, but God loves us anyway. Now turn to page 34 in the Book of Common Prayer.
Calvinism -- Shit happens because people are evil and God hates them all except for the Elect.
Lutheranism -- I'm full of shit, but I am saved by my faith in Christ.
Methodism -- Shit happens, but I feel my heart strangely warmed.
Creationism -- Shit happens because some woman named Eve picked an apple 5000 years ago; and she was riding a dinosaur.
Fundamentalism -- Shit happens because the Bible says so.
Prosperity Gospel -- Shit won't happen to me because Jesus is my winning lottery ticket!
Islam -- It is revealed in the Holy Quran that it is the will of Allah that shit happens.
Islam (Al Quaeda version) -- ... and when shit happens to us, we will kill the infidels.
White supremacists -- Shit is the fault of black people.
Black nationalists -- Shit is the fault of white people.
Misanthropes -- Shit is everybody's damn fault.
Cynics -- There's a little shit in everything.
Nihilists -- There's nothing but shit everywhere.
Solipsists -- Shit has nothing to do with me.
Skeptics -- You're just shittin' me.
Dr. Pangloss -- What shit? Where? It's all beautiful, man!
18th Century Philosophes -- Shit happens because people are unreasonable.
Ideologues -- Shit happens because people stray from the agenda.
Legalism -- Shit happens because you broke the law.
Fatalism -- Shit is inevitable.
Moralism -- Shit happens because you deserve it.
you -- Shit happens because ______________.


From Counterlight's Peculiars blog
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