Tips for Spackling and Plastering a Black Hole

You might think you need to hire a professional to spackle and plaster a black hole, but you can really tackle this kind of project on your own. The first step is to carefully inspect the black hole. Stick your head right into the black hole and look around. Do you see any loose materials or galaxies in there? You can dislodge loose materials and galaxies using a regular spackling knife. Make sure you get all the galaxies you find, because there's nothing worse than a half galaxy hanging off the inside of a black hole.

After you've cleaned up inside the black hole, withdraw your head.

Next you'll need to buy some spackle and plaster. If you have a half tube left from your last spackling job, that won't be enough. You'll need a generous amount of spackle and plaster to completely fill a black hole. A good ballpark quantity is 1000 times the total amount of spackle sold in the past 500 years.

When you have your spackle and plaster beside you, you're ready to start. Make sure the mixture is firm but not too firm. Work your way from one side of the black hole to the other. Be careful not to back yourself into the black hole. If you do, it's pretty much all over.

If the black hole is really large, you might want to use chicken wire to support your spackle and plaster. Here again, you'll need generous quantities. You can bypass your local home improvement store and go straight to Perdue.

You'll need to order 500 million tons of chicken wire, at a minimum. (Don't worry about getting too much chicken wire. Any leftovers you can use for other black holes you fill in.)

Stretch the chicken wire from one side of the black hole to the other being careful not to let any of the middle wire sag too deeply into the hole. Most of the time you can gently pull the middle sag back out and pat things back into shape.

You can take satisfaction when the black hole is almost entirely filled. With the right technique, what was once a gaping hole in the universe can blend in smoothly with the surrounding space. Someone seeing your work would hardly suspect a black hole ever existed there.

As a friendly tip, take a well-deserved break after filling in a black hole. While it's possible to complete the project in one weekend, you wouldn't want to fill in black holes every weekend.

Phil Shapiro

Copyright 1999 Freely distributable for noncommercial purposes.

How to Ship a Submarine from San Diego to Denver

How to Sleep Comfortably While Fastened to a Sheer Mountain Cliff

Marketing Freeze Dried Water

Expanding the Grand Canyon

The United States Mint

Water Flow on the Mississippi

Tips for Paddling Across the Panama Canal in a Canoe

Children's stories

Phil's web page.

Phil's Twitter Feed